Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
