We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
