dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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