guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize