he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
