It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize