All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
