I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
