I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
