Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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