Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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