I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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