I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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