I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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