He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize