Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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