Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
