I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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