How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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