I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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