Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
