Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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