plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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