Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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