my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
