I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize