I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
