The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
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