its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
