Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
