my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You took a bar mat shot.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
