Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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