Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
