she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
