Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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