how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
