trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I am one with the molecules
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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