i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
