Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I stole a fireplace last night.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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