tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just took my morning after pill in the library
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
