there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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