how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
