i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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