Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
