guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
