Soap is not a condiment
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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