I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
