I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
