you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
