wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
