haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
