My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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