My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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