I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I think my moral compass just broke
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
