Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
