I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
