im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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