every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
