the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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