How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I cannot find my penis.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
