I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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