my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
