Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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